Postpartum

TLDR – I have postpartum depression and anxiety, and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to try to overcome. Also, trigger warning, as I discuss intrusive thoughts and things.

Although all the statistics were there – 1 in 7 women and 1 in 10 men get postpartum depression or anxiety (PPD/A) – I somehow never thought I’d be one of them. Looking back now, it was probably inevitable. I had a couple of scares/incidents while pregnant that caused me anxiety for a few weeks of my pregnancy. Then, I had a slight traumatic birth (a story for another time..). Then, soon after giving birth, we were shut down because of the pandemic.

1 in 7 Moms and 1 in 10 Dads suffer from postpartum depression

Postpartum Support International, https://www.postpartum.net

COVID-19 became a huge source of my anxiety for a long time – irrationally so. I was terrified of SIDS – I would lay awake listening for my son’s breathing. I practically didn’t want my husband leaving the house, even for essentials. I was crying all the time. I think part of all the anxiety came from being first time parents and not knowing what was normal and what wasn’t. Depression..well probably the hormones. I would cry almost every day. It wasn’t until I was about two months postpartum that my husband had the epiphany – I think you have PPD. Looked up the symptoms, and I was practically textbook.

So now to start looking for help, like support groups. Except, in a pandemic, there are no in person ones, and so many of the online ones are booked. Luckily, I was able to get into one, and honestly, having my husband to talk through my feelings and thoughts helped tremendously. I didn’t tell my family – since Asian families are notorious for not really believing in mental health issues. I think my mom would’ve been supportive. My dad, probably not so much. While not ashamed, I haven’t really told too many people that know me in real life either. It’s not really something you can bring up casually. “Oh, how’s life?” “Not bad, though I have PPD”. I do try to check in with my fellow female friends/colleagues that are new parents now though, just to say hi. I definitely always want to ask “how are you doing? Any PPD? I can empathize, if so!”

In the middle of this, I had to go back to work (luckily teleworking) and got handed a high visibility, high stress project. So there we were, in the middle of the pandemic, not comfortable with having people help take care of the baby (no way to know if they were socially distancing). Two full-time working parents, dealing with a 3 month old. I don’t know how we survived, but we did it! And as the baby got older, it got slightly easier (in some ways). My hormones also started balancing out. But it sucked. The mom guilt of not being able to  spend as much time with my baby. The worry of not being as great at my job as I used to be. Worrying about something catastrophic happening in one way or another. It was so hard.

Through it all, I’m grateful that I never had harmful thoughts towards my baby or myself. And, I had a supportive partner. I hear so many stories where their partner didn’t believe they had a problem and told them to get over it. And so many moms who didn’t bond with their baby.

Silver lining – I delivered my project. My baby is/was (mostly) a sweetheart and independent. And things are getting better. I finally also found a therapist that I’ll be seeing soon! More on those in later posts.