I’m going to preface this post by saying I LOVE my parents. We’ve definitely have rubbed each other the wrong way at different points in my life, but I’ve never doubted their love for me and the sacrifices they’ve made. I mean, they left their country to go to a place where they didn’t know the language in an effort to give us a better life. That said, I’m not blind to their faults. Nor do I downplay their positives.
So, if you’re not Asian or don’t know about some of the stereotypes of growing up Asian, let me educate you. They’re strict, very education oriented, and basically won’t let you do anything. While people may not admit it, first generation men also tend to be very misogynistic. Asian culture is all about the sons in the family. In a lot of ways, my parents were traditional – school was very important – B’s were not welcome in the house, and they were fairly strict. My dad, though I love him, definitely had some misogynistic views. Ironically, he ended up with two daughters.
But, there were a lot of ways they weren’t traditional. In some ways, my parents were very paradoxical. For instance, my dad would tell me how boys were smarter than girls (that misogyny I mentioned). At the same time, I had to be at the top of my class (over boys, as I didn’t go to a girls only school..). My mom raised my sister and me to not depend on a significant other but to make it on our own career – which is very much not Asian. My more traditional aunts, the second I was eighteen, wished me luck in finding a prosperous husband.
My sister and I both got our license when we were sixteen – I know a lot of other Asian families wouldn’t allow their daughters to get it so early. While my parents didn’t want us dating in high school, they also never commented on our choice of boyfriends. They felt it was up to us to learn. In a lot of ways, it was nice – I know a lot of people who were pressured to date within their own race. Their parents saying that it was easier if your partner understood your culture. My parents NEVER made me feel like I had to date someone that’s Vietnamese, and they never commented on either my sister or my boyfriends (and I’m sure they could’ve, looking back – our judgement was definitely sketchy sometimes!)
Lastly, my parents didn’t automatically push us into the medical field. My dad said something that sticks with me to this day – he said that he didn’t care what I did, but that he did want me to think about the lifestyle I wanted. Then think about the career I think I want, and if that would support the lifestyle I want. While I haven’t reached the top of my career (hopefully!), even if I stopped here, I would be able (with my husband) to have the lifestyle I want. That makes me feel like I achieved something. My mom literally said “I just want you happy”, which is amazingly heartwarming and a lot more mushy than Asian families usually are. After all, there’s a reason there’s a book called “I Love Yous are for White People” (which I’ve read, by the way).
So, basically a long-ish post reflecting on my parents – the good (mostly) and some of the bad. There are some things I definitely hope to emulate and pass on to my son, and there are things I hope to learn not to do. They weren’t verbally expressive, but I’ve always felt that actions speak louder than words. But, in the end, I know my parents love me unconditionally, and that’s what I want my son to feel.
Miuzing 