I debated not posting two “sad” posts in a row, but decided that that paints a fake story of my life and what I go through. Sometimes, you do go through bad periods of depression, and that’s ok. Trigger warning – this post is about having to end my pregnancy for medical reasons. I’ll start with resources for anybody who needs it, but don’t want to hear the rest for whatever reason.
Here are some helpful resources that have been given to me:
- Empty Cradle – Provides resources and support for pregnancy loss for any reason.
- Ending a Wanted Pregnancy: Support and resources for ending a wanted pregnancy for any reason.
- Return to Zero
- Terminations Remembered
Now for my story.
My medical provider assigned me a social worker due to my history with postpartum depression, which I happily took them up on, as I wanted to be prepared with my second. Unfortunately, in between the first call with her providing possible therapists and her check in call two weeks later, I received horrible news. The results of my Noninvasive Prenatal Testing (NIPT), which was a blood test I could pay for to check for chromosome abnormalities and gender, came through and we had an abnormality with 76% certainty. My social worker has been amazing though – that’s how I found the resources above. Thank goodness, because I had no idea where to start.
This was heartbreaking to me. I had been so excited for this baby. And the first trimester was miserable but I was excitedly awaiting gender. My husband and I discussed every possibility we could think of before getting pregnant because we knew it would be hard to make decisions when there would be bad news. We knew we would be terminating for medical reasons (TFMR). This didn’t make it any easier or less heartbreaking. However, we would wait until I was far enough along to do an amniocentesis for an absolute confirmation first.
There is no way to describe the last week (first week after the news) I’ve had. I spent the first few days sleepless and crying so much. It helped to go through the resources listed above and read other people’s stories – it made me feel a little less alone. I’m not one to hold out hope with such bad odds – that’s just not me. I’d rather assume the worst and prepare myself. So I did. Trying to detach a bit emotionally, though I felt guilty about that. And then the fear of trying again in the future and having similar results. To make it worst, my husband tells me he doesn’t think I’d be mentally able to handle this again and he’s not sure if he wants to try again, even if we try in vitro and do the tests ahead of time. This was heartbreaking. I’ve always wanted kids – at least two, not just my one beloved son.
I’m slowly getting through it. Finally got some sleep the last few days. And spending time with my son has helped, though it is heartbreaking looking at him and knowing I can’t give him a sibling yet. Even though my head knows it’s a completely random genetic anomaly, I can’t help feeling like my body is betraying me. Last pregnancy, I had a cyst that put me in huge pain during first trimester. Then I had a bad blood test result (though the odds were different). Now this. Plus, I’ve been producing less milk, which is really upsetting.
It also helped that one of my coworker friends has gone through a miscarriage and her sister has had to terminate for medical reasons too. I’ve talked to her about it and her sharing her experiences, while heartbreaking, has helped tremendously. I’ll also be trying a new therapist tomorrow. And I’m trying to just be ok. I think I’m getting there.
Miuzing 