Unconventional Relationship

Sometimes I like to reflect on my relationship with the mister – we’ve been together over a dozen years now. I love our relationship, and I think it’s because we go against a lot of what society says should be. I look at a lot of other relationships where (at least from the outside looking in), the people in them don’t seem very happy or in love. I can’t help but feel that it’s because they let society push them into decisions that they might not have made otherwise. What decisions do you say?

Well, marriage for one. My husband and I didn’t get married until after almost a decade of dating. In fact, we had decided early on that marriage most likely wasn’t for us. Let me tell you – that was a tough decision to stick to with EVERYBODY constantly hinting that it was time for us to get married. I mean, c’mon – it’s not their life! And for some, I wanted to snarkily remark “Why, since you’re soo happy in yours?” But that would be mean…

The mister and I also aren’t ones to constantly have to check in with each other before making plans. And caveat, if this is you, I know I sound judgemental commenting on this, but this is more of a rant of frustration then anything. You know the type. You ask your best friend “hey, do you want to grab dinner next week?” And they respond with “Oh, let me ask ___”, even though that person isn’t invited. That was never the mister and me. If we were making plans with friends, we’d check the calendar to make sure there was nothing on it, then went forward with friends. If we were both supposed to be there, then of course, we’d say “oh, let me check with ___” But if I was hanging out with just my friends, I wouldn’t ask J (my hubs). Sometimes, it made me uncomfortable when people would respond like that because it seemed like they had to ask permission to hang out. Of course, the exception is if they had kids – they obviously should check in with their partner to make sure the person was free/ok to watch them at those times.

I realized also, sometimes, the hubs and I didn’t know where the other was at that EXACT moment. I would be out with girlfriends sometimes and they’d be texting and checking in with their boyfriends. Then they’d ask “oh, what’s J up to?” Me: “I don’t know. He was spending time with his friends. They’re out and about somewhere.” I know sometimes it’s because they care and want to know where their loved ones are, but sometimes it felt a bit controlling…or a trust issue. I view it that if somebody wanted to cheat, they will find a way. You either trust them, or you don’t. If you don’t trust them, then why are you with them?

We also don’t stick to the stereotypical gender roles. My husband expects me to at least know how to fix the car and house (even if he might do it most of the time – a lot of times, he needs my help depending on the project), and I know that he can wash dishes and cook and clean. We split chores and responsibilities as evenly as possible, not on typical gender chores.

Also, it’s nice having a supportive hubs. Sometimes you hear of women who have partners in their lives that would hate it if they made more. My hubs just asks me “hey, when are you going to be my sugar mama? If you ever make enough, I’d be happy to be a stay at home dad!” Gotta love that.

I guess..I look at it and feel like our relationship works great (well, duh – why else would we still be together!?), and it’s because we haven’t given in to society’s pressure (to get married, for example) or norms (like typical male/female responsibilities and expectations). I see other couples that have gotten married because they feel it’s time or that they should, and they seem so unhappy (or are now divorced). I also see resentment a lot of times in those relationships. But who knows? The path J and I took was hard – there was a lot of judgement and pressure and I just wanted to tell people “mind your own business!” But hey, we’re happy with our life and our decisions, and that’s all that matters in the end.