So I haven’t written for a while. It’s been a lot of getting used to having a toddler in the house, balancing going back into work physically, and dealing with my mental health. Trigger warning: miscarriage and termination for medical reasons will be mentioned/discussed.
Ironically, writing helps my mental health – but I really need to prioritize it. I wrote before about having to terminate a pregnancy earlier this year. It was so heartbreaking. I think it was made worse (if possible) by the fact that I was still hormonal and experiencing perinatal mood disorders. Honestly, I took it better than I thought the day of. But there are days in the following weeks or months, I would find myself crying or teary just thinking about it. I bought myself a bracelet with a butterfly on it (because some of the sites I was on mentioned it represents the baby you lost). Sometimes when I know it’ll be a bad day, I wear it. I wasn’t sure about buying it at first – why would I want a reminder of one of the worst days of my life? But it was helpful to have something to focus my feelings on.
So, I got pregnant again later this summer…and then miscarried about 6 weeks in. It was so shocking, I didn’t understand that it was happening at first. I guess I was mentally prepared for bad results from a DNA test, but I didn’t expect to have a miscarriage. The worst part? Knowing you’re miscarrying and having to go into the hospital for blood tests and an uncomfortable wand ultrasound to confirm it. Oh, and then you have to come back in a few days later for another blood test to confirm that your pregnancy hormone levels have gone down. So you’re bleeding, sad, exhausted, and then stuck for four hours to do these tests. But it’s the only way to get it officially on your record.
It oddly helped to hear and read stories about other people who went through the same. It made me feel not so lonely. I also learned about going to fertility clinics and the tests they could do – it’s more than just in vitro! Which made sense once I heard it, but I never thought about it. So I asked my doctor about it. Know what I was told? “Well, we wouldn’t do the tests until you’ve had two miscarriages.” Two?? It was heartbreaking enough to have one, and now I have to have two before you test to see if I have any issues??
Now, I’m just terrified of pregnancy again. Waiting to see if I’ll miscarry early on. Waiting for the DNA test results. All this waiting and trying not to worry because stress can’t be good for the baby (or me). The worst part is my husband, in trying to make me feel better, goes “we can try again!” Yes, we can, but that doesn’t make the hole in my heart I feel go away. It’s not like another baby will replace it. So, if you’re reading this, and you know someone going through a miscarriage, don’t say anything. Just let them know you’re sorry and that you’re there if they need anything – nothing else. Definitely not “you can try again!” or (luckily nobody’s said this to me) “at least you have one!”
I seriously considered not trying again because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go through all that mental distress again. Kudos to anybody reading this that has gone through multiple lost pregnancies – there is a strength in you that nobody else can understand until they’ve gone through it themselves. But, my husband asked me something that really decided for me that I am willing to try again. He asked, “Wouldn’t you go through all this if you knew you’d get a Goob (our son) at the end of it?” And I realized, yes, yes I would. So even though I know nothing is for certain, I realized that yes, my son would be worth all this heartache and pain. And I would always do it again if I get him in the end.
Wish me luck on the next pregnancy! And to anybody reading this who’s still trying, I wish I could lend you strength and hugs. Just know you’re not alone.
Miuzing 